Wednesday, November 19, 2014


우리 사랑하는 루한이. My beloved Luhan. I hope you are doing fine. I miss you. I miss you too much. It hurts that I had to part away from you because of the scandals, the conflicts, the fandom issues that have completely nothing to do with you. It maybe looks like I left you but to you that’s okay right? You probably don’t care about a single person leaving, when there’s millions more rooting for you. Supporting you as you grow bigger and becomes more sucessful. I’m sorry that nowadays, I’m not like that. I don’t root for you, I’m not supporting you, or even fangirl over your previews for TLPs. I remember just few months ago, I followed all the TLPs concert, willing to never log off my twitter until your solo comes out. But nowadays, I’m not even bothered by seeing your face on my twitter. And that bothers me. It’s making me hating myself, for not loving and supporting you. For not being there for you when everyone else is. It’s making me feel like I was not and am not a good fan of you. For two years, I struggle blood, sweat and tears to become the best fan you could ever get. But I failed. How could I do all that when I couldn’t even afford your album? When I can’t even go to see you performing in my country. And yet again, it makes me hate myself. Sometimes I think I’m really stupid. Like way beyond stupid. But I can’t excuse myself from becoming stupid because of my love for you. It’s just too strong. Thinking about it again, I never love someone for 2 years, 2 legit years. And I’m sorry that the love is slowly fading away. I remember when I promised to love you till the end of me, but now I’m afraid that the promise would slowly break. If one day I leave the fandom, or leave you, forgive me. Forgive me who have done nothing special to you, leaving you as I move to other people. The fan who give nothing to you except her love. The fan who always struggle to meet you, but fail as she keep trying. The fan who promised to be by your side forever, but ended up breaking it. The fan who love you, but slowly forgetting you. Althought it have not happen, yet the fan is sorry, I am sorry. If I could list all the possible reasons of what I’m sorry for, it’ll be way too much. But will you even know? The fan who you never see, knew or thought of her existence? Will you know how sorry she is and will you forgive her? No, of course. This is why I’m mad and so pissed at myself. Because after 2 years, I still haven’t see that beautiful face in front of me. That face that made me strong during my weak days, makes me happy during my sad days, and give me so much hope when I am giving up. But all that is fading away, and I’m trying my best to stay with it. I hope I would still be happy after seeing you, although it’s just through a picture. I still cry over you, I still think of you and I still hope for you to be fine and healthy. I still hope you will never get sick and get a lot of sleep. I know your job is hard, and that’s why us fans needs to be with you. That’s why I need to be with you. But I didnt. And once again, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry Luhan. I know there’s a lot of obstacles we have to go through together. I hope to never leave you, but I can’t promise you that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I will do better. I love you.

A/N: I actually got really teary after writing this, I can't believe it has been over a month since he left.

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