Saturday, July 29, 2017

Hargai dia sebelum terlambat..

2 years ago i come to contact with this guy. Kitorg sama sekolah rendah and masa dulu la darjah 6 dulu crush bodoh bodoh jeee haha. Lepastu masuk smk we got separated. I remembered time f1 dia minta my number through fb messenger 😂 lepas tu senyap je. Then idk kebetulan ke jodoh ke allah nak temukan tu ada je caranya kan, my classmate is his tuition mate soo dia dok kirim kirim salam kat kita, kita pun balas la salam dia. Dh bnyk sgt salam dikirim, i pun gather up my courage pi tegur dia kat whatsapp. Surprisingly sgt sgt i still have his number, time ni dah dok terpikir, jodoh kuat ni sabo baru form 5 😂 then saya tegur lah dengan.. "hahahahahahahahaha hi..."

Kat situ la mula segalagalanyaa hahaha. Masatu ada problem sikit dgn ex (alhamdulillah skrg dah solved everything). And masatu atas dasar kawan lama je, tnya khabar etc cs we were friends then suddenly lost contact centu je. Entah macam mana i got back with my ex tp tak lama dlm 1 month centu je. While we got back dalam masa yang sekejap tu, this guy langsung tk ws i dah. He respected me so much. Then after a month he heard about what happened, and tried to calm me down. He always respect me and my decision. Tak penah tergesa gesa, tak penah paksa i. I knew da suka i dari day1, tapi tak penah dia push i utk sukakan dia. Tak penah make me feel uncomfortable. I tak pernah jumpa a guy like that, so i was startled. And i started to have feelings after time goes on and on.

Our first non-official date, is during ramadhan. And im shameless guys.. and i actually ajak him to go out for iftar with a cheesy pick up line.. "nak iftar dengan i tak? Iftarnak takpela..." and he was like "seriously you? Seriously?? Bila bila???"
Happy gila ok bila reaction dia mcm tu. Then we start to debate nak makan mana. Dia ni suka sgt makan ayam, so ok kita pegi chicken rice shop na, walaupun mahai 😂

Excited dia haritu takyah cite ah. I wore my best baju my best tudung my best errthingg. Pakai perfume pesemua hahaha. I ingat lagi that day i ada class tuition actually. Then class ended at around 6 mcm tu and i ajk my friend (which is his schoolmate) nak pegi book tempat. Dorang semua tekejut la weehh i nak keluar ngan mamat ni. I pun tekejut nebes semua ok 😂

Then while waiting for him ya allah dia punya debar debar tu tkyah cakap la.. i remember masa dia sampai tu terkinja kinja do i.. hahaha i excited gila nak jumpa dia. I cam takleh duk diam. And i was nervous nak mampus. Time ni dh leh nampak kot perasaan i kat dia cane. Pastu it took soooo damn long for me to gather my courage and jumpa dia. Imagine, that time i kenal dia dah 5 tahun but i tak penah ckp ngan dia ftf. And now im meeting him dengan perasaan ceni?? Ottokkeeeee hahaha.

After that, we jumpa. Surprisingly banyak gila benda kitorg borak. And he is not as what i think he is. I igt dia cam pendiam gila and tkkan ckp ngan i and i act thought i would regret this sebab akan jd awkward gila but takk. Dia sangat friendly and talkative. Ada je benda dia nak borak. And i tk penah selesa mcm tu dengan org for the first time. My wish for that day was for the time to pass by slowly. I ingat time tu dekat traffic light, i pandang je dia drive. Sumpah i dah fall hard. He is just so different.

After that night everything changes, kitorg selalu call, jumpa quite frequently. Dia selalu amik dri sekolah hntr gi tuition. Kitorg takda hari we declare we like each other, tapi ada la satu hari tuuu dia finally asked me to be his girlfriend, or "queen" 😂😇

We have lotsaaa fun tgt guys. Kitorg study together, makan makan together, movies. Tapi more to study la sebab senior year kan that time. Then time my high school graduation, he came with flowers 😂😭 i sumpah terharu nak mampus ok that was the first time i dpt bunga dari orang. And that day jugalah i bagithu my mom psl dia. I cakap kat my mom.. i suka gila dia ni, i nak kahwin ngan dia 😭

Masa birthday i, dia buat surprise dengan kawan kawan i, kat rumah i!! Bagi bunga lagi. Haih sumpah i rasa mcm the luckiest girl ever weh :/ i sumpah always feel like i dont deserve him sometimes 😭😭 time dia nak ajak i keluar, dia jumpa mama papa i and kena soal jawab 😂😂 last last gi dating mama papa bawak, romantic ngat ngat 🤔😂😂

Masa i masuk college, cam dah susah sikitt. Sampai bulan 3 kitorg bnyk jumpa, after that dia pun masuk college and jarang jumpa dah. Masing masing busy. Banyak cabaran but he always try his best to be there for me. I ingat time i tgh exam dia teman i sampai habis exam, duk kat library main laptop. Pastu bawa i gi makan, sebab i stress. Hahaha.

I dulu clingy and a bit psycho. Not too much, but i am scary. I clingy nak mampus and i acknowledged that i kongkong dia gak sometimes bila dia nak gi main futsal ke lepak memalam ke apa i cam halang dia. I call dia nonstop making him annoyed. I mengaku dulu bnyk gila kitorg gaduh psl benda benda ni tapi love so strong guys.. that time nothing could break us apart.

Ok time kitorg punya anniv, dia buat surprise lagi... i tk thu how he do it, tapi dia ada je duit he could spend on me. I selalu rasa bersalah sebab gave him nothing. Im like a really poor college student guys.. hahaha. We had korean for lunch and he gave me an eyeshadow pallette yang sampai skrg i love and cherish sooooo much. Probably the best pallette that ive owned.

Dia study tak lama, 6 bulan centu je. And dia tak kerja sampaiii bulan 12 hahahaha. Time my birthday, he gave me a promise ring. After a year+, he finally promises his love for me. You guys. Perasaan nak nangis time dia bagi ring tu, i takleh explain. Smpi skrg i tengok cincin ni, i tk percaya. And as always i sgt sgt bersalah, sebab time his birthday i tkleh nak buat apa apa sgt, im so broke. And i cam malu sgt. But he always like tell me how its ok and how he accept all the small gifts i make for him.

But hari tak sentiasa cerah, bukannya hari hari ada rainbow en. 2017 is the worst year for us. I went to intern, i stress, i buat hal, in other note, i fucked up, and i lose everything guys. 2017, kitorg busy nak mampus. I start intern kat kl, dia dah start kerja everyday. Both of us dpt one day off, and off day tk sama since both of us is in f&b industry. I wasnt playing fair bila i selalu ckp kat dia, i kerja hari hari ulang alik kl shah alam naik train, i kerja sampai malam.. i bnyk ungkit kt dia. I wasnt being fair at all guys. I ckp dia tak penah ada effort utk ajak i keluar, ajak jumpa, contact i. I was being so freaking immature. I tak thu what was blinding me but i was. Sampai skrg i mengaku salah salah yg i dah buat. After everything yg dia buat utk i, i sia sia kan mcm tu je. Just sebab i stress. Selfish gila i time tu.

Selfish selfish i pun, i masih tunggu dia everyday after kerja despite sampai rumah dh lambat. Everyday tunggu dia sampai pukul 12/1. Try to actually talk to him. But we always fail to talk. And im always pissed at it. That time kan, mcm everything tak kena. I thu it wasnt supposed to be that way but.. mmg semua benda tk kena for me. Bodoh gila i time tu.

And that time i tak tahan sangat, i minta break. Sumpah, worst decision ive ever made in my entire life. You guys, dont ever break up while still loving each other. If u guys masih sayangkan each other but ada problem, solve it guys. Jgn ambil langkah cepat, cs it wont solve anything. It make things worst. Bayangkan having to let go what you build almost 2 years together mcm tu je.

After break up we still contact and dia baik sgt guys. Dia amik i kalau i takda transport balik, dia hantar i kalau i dh lambat ke apa. I ingat time i pergi hntr mak ayah i ke russia, pagi tu dia dari shah alam, amik i kat klia and hntr ke kl.. and he was working that afternoon. At the thought of it now buat i nangis gila gila. Mcm mana baiknya dia. And mcm mana i siasiakan dia. I blame myself a lot guys.

And all over again shit happen, and i tersilap langkah when i decided to do a rebound on. Its a disgrace guys. I tak pernah suka rebound. I tak pernah suka org yang buat rebound. Tapi diri sendiri yang buat. I was lonely and mcm, semua benda tk kena. And this guys was the closest i have with me. I sumpah bodoh and tried to open my heart to him. Bila i know time tu my heart is completely still with my loving ex. I tak tahu apa yang menghalang i. Padahal everyday i dok terfikir pasal dia, even kalau i lepak dengan mamat rebound tu i cite pasal dia, nangis pasal dia. Even mamat rebound tu suruh i pegi balik kt dia. Tapi i tk thu apa yg halang i, untuk minta dia peluang kedua.

Day by day i bertambah bodoh. I show off my happiness on social media with the rebound guy, and that hurt my baby so much. That hurt him too much. Bila i fikir skrg, sumpah i was inhuman. I dont know apa yang i fikir time tu. What was i thinking. What was i doing. I lost gila.

2 tahun dia jaga i, 2 tahun dia jaga hati i. Dia jaga hati i sgt sgt. Tak penah kaitkan perempuan lain, tak penah bandingkan i dengan perempuan lain. Setia dia, mmg i dont deserve it. Setinggi mana sayang i kat dia, i dont deserve him at all. Skrg bila i dengar kes curang, baca psl kes curang, i terasa sgt sgt. It all come back to me. I perangai serupa binatang. Walaupun technically i tk curang, but u guys will never know the feeling of sakitkan hati orang yang you sayang, and orang yang sayangkan you.

Till now i menyesal, till not i am out of words. Till now i am lost.

Menyesal skrg takde guna. Appreciate the people in your life before its too late. Apology means nothing when trust are broken.

Renungkan. Sampai sekarang, everytime i solat i nangis doakan dia, doakan kita. I cried begging Allah utk kembalikan dia balik kat i. I cintakan dia lebih dari segalanya. Tapi dah terlambat. I still pray the best for us, moga moga jodoh kami kuat, mcm dulu.

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